Forgiveness

In the past, whenever someone told me I should forgive someone, I instantly became enraged. How dare they insult my injury with another insult? Right? I would become absolutely indignant and likely shun the person who suggested it. Now, I know forgiveness doesn't mean that what they did was acceptable or okay or that I should just forget about it as if it never happened.

Now, I understand that forgiveness does not mean what they did was acceptable or okay. It does not mean forgetting about it as if it never happened. To forgive someone simply means to stop reliving negative emotions so they no longer hurt you. continue hurting you. You're not letting them off the hook. You're letting yourself off the hook. Because when your body stays tense, guarded, angry, hurt, or afraid, it struggles to relax. And when the body cannot relax, it becomes harder to heal. When you look at it this way, you can see how being unable to forgive can be energy-draining. 

But here is the thing. Once you do forgive, it's important to set boundaries so you do not keep finding yourself in the same situations, repeating old cycles, and constantly having to forgive the same person or situation until you no longer trust yourself. Forgive, move on, and in situations where you are not being allowed to move on, sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is create distance, emotionally or physically.

Something else worth considering is that many of us blame ourselves for our stressful and traumatic experiences, as if somehow they were our fault. I can't even tell you how many times I blamed myself, told myself it was my fault for not standing up for myself, for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for loving the wrong people, for not standing up for myself, for not being strong enough, smart enough, brave enough, for not fighting or running. 

And so often, it is ourselves we need to forgive first. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. That is often where healing begins.

If forgiveness doesn't come easily for you (it isn't always for me either), one thing you can try is imagining placing what happened, your memories, and all the emotions connected to it somewhere outside your body for a little while. Imagine placing it in a box, a bottle, or a jar with a lid.

You are not erasing what happened or pretending it didn't matter or that you don't matter. You are simply setting it aside somewhere contained for a little while, giving yourself space to breathe. Notice if anything in your body feels less tense, even slightly.

You can always choose to come back to it. Or, when you feel ready, you can choose to let it go. You might imagine pouring it down the sink, tearing it up, burying it in the earth, or writing it all down on paper and letting it go when the time feels right.